So, 11 Doctors Walk Into A Bar
by enchantment1972
Summary: The First Doctor takes Susan out to celebrate her birthday. When he steps away, Jack Harkness introduces himself and attempts to make Susan his next conquest. It's up to the other ten Doctors to make sure that he doesn't succeed. **Part of the Eleventh Heaven series


**Author's Note:** This was written entirely for laughs but if you had to place it in a timeline, it's before Jack has ever met any of the Doctors. I hope you enjoy it. :)

**Disclaimer:**I do not own anything in relation to Doctor Who.

The doors to Verity's Restaurant & Bar open automatically to allow entrance to Susan and the First Doctor walking in arm and arm. "It's such a shame that David was called away on business so close to your birthday."

Susan turns to the Doctor with a wide smile on her face. "That's all right, Grandfather. It gives us a chance to spend some time together." She leans into his arm giving him a squeeze as he squeezes her hand back in affection.

They stop dead in their tracks when they see the bustling crowd around them. Susan looks disheartened while viewing the throng of people. "Oh, Grandfather! Look at all of the people! We'll never be able to find a table in all of this rush."

The Doctor pats her hand consolingly and says, "Now don't fret, child. The owner of this establishment owes me a favor and has guaranteed me that a table would be ready for us."

They are jostled back and forth as they try to make their way through the masses, finally coming to a full stop when Susan is nearly knocked over by a young man.

"Sorry about that gorgeous," apologizes the young man with a quick wink and a cocky grin before continuing on his way.

"Oh, the cheek!" exclaims the Doctor. "Well, that settles it. I refuse to have you accosted by young scalawags while we search for Verity."

The Doctor pushes people out of their way until he has cleared a path for himself and Susan leading to the bar. "Now, Susan, wait here, child, and I'll go find our host." He pats her arm reassuringly before walking away as the bartender approaches Susan.

"Is there anything you would like to order, Miss?" inquires the bartender.

Before Susan can reply, she is interrupted by an American accent. "Allow me. Two glasses of your finest stock, Sam."

"Coming right up, Mr. Harkness," replies the bartender.

Susan regards the stranger coolly and states, "I'm perfectly capable of buying my own drink, thank you."

"Consider it an apology for nearly knocking you over earlier. I'm usually much smoother when it comes to knocking women off of their feet."

The young time agent gives Susan a wide seductive smile and says, "The name's Jack Harkness." He leans in closer and drawls, "Do you come here often?"

Susan is mildly amused but dryly answers, "No."

Jack, ignoring the obvious lack of interest, questions, "Would you like to?" Susan merely rolls her eyes and shakes her head in disbelief.

Jack is about to continue his pursuit when a rather large tumbler of liquid lands all over him. Jack sputters, "What the…?"

"Oh, my giddy aunt!" declares a rather shabbily dressed man. "I am sorry, my dear fellow. I've become so clumsy in my old age. I do hope that you can forgive me."

Not wanting to cause a scene, Jack starts to wipe himself down and replies, "Think nothing of it, old man. It's a new experience for me." He turns back to Susan with a flirtatious grin and says, "You see, I'm normally the one making people wet."

"Oh, dry up!" growls a man from behind them.

Jack spins around on his stool in confusion and asks, "What was that?"

"Greetings, old chap," states a man wearing an outfit that Jack hadn't seen since Earth's 1970s time period. "I said that we need need to dry you up. I witnessed the entire incident and I thought that I could offer my assistance."

"Here, this should help." He quickly produces a towel that he shoves into Jack's face so hard that the force of it knocks Jack backwards and off of the stool.

A new voice enters the conversation. "Oh, dear me. How unfortunate. Perhaps I can be of assistance?" The next thing that Jack knows is that a scarf is being wrapped around his neck and he is being jerked back onto his stool.

Once his choking fit subsides, Jack glances over at the newcomer who is all teeth and curls and hoarsely asks, "And who are you?"

"Don't worry about me, dear boy. Worry about yourself. I'm a Doctor. I thought that I could be of some aid in time of your upcoming distress. Now, let's check you out, shall we?" He thumps Jack on the back several times, **very** hard. "Does that feel alright?"

"Ow!" complains Jack. "Hey, watch it, Doc! You're breaking my ribs!"

Susan's eyes twinkle with repressed laughter as she surveys the scene before her. She looks around at the three men still surrounding Jack and murmurs in a voice filled with humor, "Oh, you are an impossible thing, aren't you?"

"Yeah," replies Jack with a slight groan while he rubs his neck and back, "I've been called that before."

A posh voice floats over to them and questions, "Are you quite sure that he's really alright?" The cultured voice doesn't quite match the gentleman's manner as he grabs Jack by the back of the hair and stares down into Jack's eyes. "He appears a bit concussed to me."

The young man tightens his grip on Jack's hair and inquires, "Feeling a bit faint?" He suddenly shoves Jack's head down so far and so fast that he knocks it against one of the rungs on the barstool. "Best thing for it is to keep your head between your legs."

Jack angles his head to give Susan a sideways leer. "No problem," he retorts with a widening grin, "I can already do that." He swings his gaze over to the man still holding his head down and opines, "Hey, nice cricket pants."

"That's enough of that," declares the gentleman as he whips Jack upright and thrusts him back into the bar.

Jack holds his head with one hand and the bar top with the other. "Watch it, man! You're making me dizzy!"

"Had too much alcohol, have you?" asks a man in a multi-colored coat rather snidely. "That does tend to happen when you mix high alcoholic content with low morals and standards."

He reaches out and squeezes Jack's shoulder a bit harder than necessary. "How about we sober you up? Would you like me to order you some carrot juice?"

Jack shrugs off the man's tight grasp and growls out, "No, I'm not drinking any carrot juice! I'm not drunk! At least, I didn't think that I was until I saw that coat! And is that a cat pin?"

Trying to distract Jack from her current champion, Susan lays a hand on his arm to call his attention back to her. "So, Jack," she begins. "Tell me about yourself. What is it that you do for a living?"

Jack grimaces slightly before answering her. "Well, doll, I can't really tell you anything about what I do. Top secret and all that."

"However," he continues as his mood almost instantly brightens, "there has been talk of a possible promotion to a much higher rank. Apparently, it's a wide spread opinion that I appear to be overly familiar with one's ideals of a Captain."

"Really?" asks a voice full of condescension. "Judging by your character, I would have said that you were overly familiar with one's privates."

"Excuse me?" exclaims Jack in a raised voice.

"Oh, please forgive me. By all means, please continue with your completely inept attempt at seduction. I'll just remain here quietly and enjoy my ridicule in private," declares the man with the Scottish brogue as he hangs his umbrella off of the edge of the bar.

Jack's impatience at these constant interruptions begins to shine through as he grits out, "Could you please excuse us? I'm trying to have a conversation," he turns and offers Susan a strained smile and a wink that comes off more as a nervous tic, "with this lovely lady."

The rather distinguishable gentleman returns this request with a bland smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Of course. I can see that. I can also see, unlike my predecessor, that you are not inebriated in the slightest and are in fact, in complete control of your faculties and able to take full responsibility for your actions."

Jack nods in firm agreement, relieved to feel some semblance of control returning and agrees, "Absolutely."

"Then let's toast to that, shall we?" he inquires as he pushes a margarita towards Jack. "Consider it a peace offering."

Jack, never one to turn down a free drink, graciously accepts it. The first true smile from the stranger appears as he watches Jack finish the entire drink in one go.

"Blech!" sounds off Jack as he makes a face filled with disgust. "What's wrong with this salt?"

"What? This salt?" the man across from him asks while holding the glass up to the light for inspection. "Why nothing at all. I'll have you know that it's the finest salt peter from the Notgettingalegovertonight mines."

Susan in unable to stifle her laughter, causing Jack to glare at her in offense and shout, "That's not funny!"

"Never mind her, young man. You know women. They'll be the death of you. Sometimes literally." Jack looks over to find a man in a velvet frock coat and ascot seated next to him.

"And you would be?" inquires Jack with weary suspicion.

The gentleman offers a kind smile and replies, "Let's just say that I'm a repeat customer."

Jack's frustration with his lack of progress with Susan begins to wane as he hears the music playing overhead. He releases a sigh and says, "Ah, that's what I love about this place. They always play the classics."

The lyrical strains of Tony Bennett's 'I Lost My Heart in San Francisco' fills the air as Jack's new friend reminisces, "I left both of mine there."

Jack throws him a curious glance as a gruff voice from behind him says, "Oi! I'd listen to the toff if I were you, lad. Stay away from the girl. She'll bring you nothing but trouble."

Jack spares a glance over his shoulder and sees a man in a leather jacket standing there. He looks him up and down with a slight smirk before asking, "So when did the navy come to town?"

Susan beams a wide smile and leans her head against her hand as she watches the man in the leather jacket. He looks around at everyone in confusion and inquires in utter exasperation, "Why does everybody always ask me that?"

With no reply, he shakes his head in consternation and approaches Jack. "But yeah, you're right. I'm a navvy and I'm just about to take my leave. Much like you."

Jack is visibly livid and grinds out, "Excuse me? Just who the hell do you think you are?" He begins to rise off of his stool when a thin, yet manly, pair of hands clamp down on his shoulders and push him back down.

"Now, now, gentlemen, settle down. There's no need to fight. There's always a better way. Besides, you really shouldn't be brawling in your condition." The pinstriped suited man steps back and shoves his hands into his pockets while giving both men an admonishing look over the rim of his glasses.

Jack's patience and temperament, both past their limit, finally evaporate as he starts yelling, "Condition? What condition?"

The bespectacled man merely grins manically and replies, "Trust me. I'm a Doctor."

"Yeah," mutters Jack, "there seems to be a lot of that going around lately." He sends a glare towards the man in the scarf standing off to the side.

The latest Doctor pulls out a silver cylindrical tube with a blue light on the end and starts flashing it back and forth into Jack's eyes.

Jack pushes the light way from his eyes and grouses, "Leave me alone!" He begins to eye the newest interloper with a more than casual interest when he finally takes in the man's overcoat. "Wait a minute, I know that coat! Isn't that the coat that went missing from the Janis Joplin Memorial Museum?"

The accused neatly avoids Susan's gaping stare as he walks toward Jack like a predator stalking his prey. "Don't be absurd. Do I look like the type of man that would steal anything?"

He holds up his hands in a soothing gesture and says, "Now just calm down, Jack, and let me take a quick look." He places his fingertips on Jack's temples and gazes deep into his eyes. "Ooohh," he murmurs quietly, "you've had some cowboys in here."

Jack tries to jerk away while gasping, "How did you know my name?" before slumping unconscious into a pair of arms covered in tweed.

"See?" questions the newest arrival with a broad grin. "I told that football captain that I was strongest in the arms." He shifts Jack and grunts, "Now if you'll excuse me for a moment, I'll just lay Jack down in that booth over there. I won't be but a tick."

He quickly returns and all of the Doctors shout, "Happy birthday, Susan!" in unison.

The Second Doctor stands with clasped hands looking sheepish as he apologizes to Susan on everyone's behalf. "I'm so sorry, my dear. With all of the trouble it took to arrange for us to make a quick stop without causing a paradox, it seems that we've neglected to bring you a gift."

Susan looks at each version of her grandfather with the utmost love and affection. "Oh, but you have, Grandfather. You took care of me in the past, you gave me a future and your coming to visit me regularly is present enough for me."

Susan suddenly spies the Doctor , the original you might say, trying his best to make his way through the crowd back to her. "Grandfather! You're coming back! You better go before you see yourselves!"

The Ninth Doctor walks up to Susan and takes both of her hands in his own. In a gentle tone that belies his rough exterior, he humbly requests, "Now I know that you're both a grown woman and a proper Time Lady, but do your old grandfather a favor and don't have too much fun tonight. Don't do anything that I wouldn't do and **especially**," he points at the corner booth indicating Jack, "not with him."

The Eleventh Doctor's eyes widen with sudden realization and he exclaims, "Just a moment," as he grabs the Ninth and Tenth Doctors shoulders simultaneously. He looks over at Ten and notes, "You looked a bit of the Oncoming Storm when you wiped his memory of meeting all of us. You don't think this is when Jack loses those two years, do you?"

The Doctors all turn as one to see Jack blissfully snoring away and then look back at each other with dismissive shrugs.

Susan looks absolutely horror stricken at the thought while the Tenth Doctor attempts to ease her mind. "Aw, well," he draws out as he rubs the back of his neck. "Nothing can be done about it now. Fixed point in time and all that."

Unable to think of anything else to say, he pulls Susan towards him and gives her a quick kiss on her forehead. "Well, time to be off! Allonsy!"

Each Doctor takes a quick moment to trade a warm and tender farewell with Susan before the First Doctor returns to her. As they leave, Susan calls out, "All my love to the future, Grandfather!"

They all turn back with their hands raised in acknowledgement and respond, "And all of ours to the past!"

Susan can barely make out the faint sounds of multiple TARDIS engines dematerializing as her current grandfather approaches her. "Susan, my dear child, you'll have to forgive me for taking so long. It took a bit longer to find our benefactor than I had anticipated but everything is settled and we have our table."

He notices Jack out of the corner of his eye, lying halfway on the booth and slowly sliding down onto the floor. His expression reveals his distaste as he says, "Really, I must have a few choice words with Verity about her clientele. She really shouldn't let that sort of rabble in here. Perhaps I should request that he be thrown out."

"Oh, no, Grandfather," begs Susan. "Please don't do that. You've done enough already."

The Doctor looks at her in confusion and asks, "Why, what ever do you mean, child?"

Susan quickly covers, "I meant that you've already done so much by making all of these elaborate arrangements for me tonight. I don't want you to have to go to any further trouble."

The Doctor smiles fondly at his granddaughter and places her hand on his arm as he leads her to their table. "Oh, no trouble at all, my dear, no trouble at all. Absolutely anything for you, child. Now, let's start celebrating your birthday before it gets too late. I hope that you didn't miss me too much while I was away, hmmm?"

Susan answers with eyes full of merriment and a secret smile. "Not at all, Grandfather. I've been having a wonderful time tonight. And I was so busy enjoying the entertainment that I can honestly say that it felt as if you had never left."

**THE END**


End file.
